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| Teksiestorie - in Engels [boodskap #90415] |
Ma, 16 Februarie 2004 17:52  |
Annette
Boodskappe: 11112
Geregistreer: Augustus 2003
Karma: 1
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Ek sal nou nie probeer om hierdie verhaal te vertaal nie
This is brilliantly written and I think this guy should be knighted,
>> whoever he is!!!
>>
>> This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and
>> highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first
>> farts
>> of sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before
>> the
>> glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view
>> the
>> possible prospects of 'before work' swims.
>>
>> Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
>> tearing
>> around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi
>> training, in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft
>> Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the
>> intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details of my
>> incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what
>> happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic, and
>> in
>> particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports club
>> around 8am.
>>
>> I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph,in
>> pretty
>> much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster, it
>> was
>> simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with
>> an
>> ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the
>> membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature
>> without
>> a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes
>> mosquitoes,
>> stones, anvils and . taxi drivers. Yep,enter Sipho"I'm a dickhead
>> without a
>> brain cell" Nshlovo, driver of a Toyota Hiace* 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no
>> lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3
>> masking-taped
>> windows, yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
>>
>> He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
>> month
>> with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had
>> their
>> 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy, the rocket-scientists
>> couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan
>> spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a
>> handbrake
>> is just as good as the foot brake pedal). Anyway, my mate Sipho decided
>> things weren't flowing fast enough for him, so started weaving in and
>> out of
>> the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging
>> from
>> its ringpiece (I'm certain his armpit smelt like a baboon's ringpiece as
>> well, he was sweating like Bruce Fordyce's crack after 90km's on the up
>> run
>> of the Comrades).
>>
>> I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5
>> cars
>> back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the
>> accident that he was trying his damndest to cause. After he narrowly
>> missed
>> the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me, I made a stubborn
>> little
>> vow that he DEFINITELY wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and
>> so
>> began the fun and games. The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of
>> intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd
>> better
>> slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used
>> the
>> typical "Fack you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the
>> other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator,
>> until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran
>> straight over him. This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling
>> the
>> whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all
>> his
>> well acquired driving skill to the test, and adopted the smartest
>> technique
>> of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one
>> that
>> sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely
>> death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago.
>>
>> This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra, with a red hot
>> cactus
>> lodged up its rectum. No skin off the facking taxi drivers nose, he just
>> accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front
>> of
>> me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger
>> accompanied
>> with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder
>> than
>> Campbell hit the boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those
>> years
>> ago!
>>
>> Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
>> proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Nshlovo in,
>> so
>> the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to
>> outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist, the
>> emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to
>> mark
>> its ending. More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd
>> passengers were all trying their damndest to "intimidate by staring"
>> myself
>> and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something
>> that
>> most brain-owners do when driving).
>>
>> I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they
>> hit!!
>>
>> Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped
>> their
>> heads on the roof of the hi-ace in poetic unison, adding an extra 31
>> dents
>> to the already-facked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off
>> the
>> chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.
>>
>> Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic
>> thing
>> to witness, sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,
>> was
>> also unscathed. However, his car was more facked than that prostitute at
>> PE
>> harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden. I hooted
>> and
>> made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did
>> the
>> driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my
>> mirror
>> to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!
>>
>> The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
>> happier
>> than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!! So folks,
>> what
>> a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday,
>> I've
>> done my training, Long Tom Roodt is back in the country, there will be a
>> lot
>> of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho Faeces-face Nshlovo is one
>> mini-bus short of a taxi! Now that is justice....
>>
--
Annette
)
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| Re: Teksiestorie - in Engels [boodskap #90437 is 'n antwoord op boodskap #90415] |
Di, 17 Februarie 2004 08:34  |
Max
Boodskappe: 1496
Geregistreer: Februarie 2004
Karma: 0
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Senior Lid |
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Lekker storie om te lees!
Max____________________________
"Annette" skryf in boodskap news:c0r09a$cp2$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
> Ek sal nou nie probeer om hierdie verhaal te vertaal nie
> This is brilliantly written and I think this guy should be knighted,
>>> whoever he is!!!
>>>
>>> This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and
>>> highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first
>>> farts
>>> of sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and even before
>>> the
>>> glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men could rise to view
>>> the
>>> possible prospects of 'before work' swims.
>>>
>>> Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
>>> tearing
>>> around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of pre-Duzi
>>> training, in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow and soft
>>> Martin Dreyer (present Duzi champion, for those of you not in the
>>> intellectual canoe mix) next time around. Anyway, the details of my
>>> incredible canoe talent are not up for discussion here, but rather what
>>> happened on my drive home after the session, in rush hour traffic, and
>>> in
>>> particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue near to the Old Parktonian sports club
>>> around 8am.
>>>
>>> I was happily chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph,in
>>> pretty
>>> much bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster, it
>>> was
>>> simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with
>>> an
>>> ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the
>>> membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature
>>> without
>>> a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes
>>> mosquitoes,
>>> stones, anvils and . taxi drivers. Yep,enter Sipho"I'm a dickhead
>>> without a
>>> brain cell" Nshlovo, driver of a Toyota Hiace* 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no
>>> lights, half a steering wheel, about 30 people inside and 3
>>> masking-taped
>>> windows, yep, standard issue for a South African taxi driver.
>>>
>>> He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
>>> month
>>> with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having had
>>> their
>>> 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy, the rocket-scientists
>>> couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a taxi with a bobejaan
>>> spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes (they reckon a
>>> handbrake
>>> is just as good as the foot brake pedal). Anyway, my mate Sipho decided
>>> things weren't flowing fast enough for him, so started weaving in and
>>> out of
>>> the traffic, arm hanging out of his window like a baboon's tail hanging
>>> from
>>> its ringpiece (I'm certain his armpit smelt like a baboon's ringpiece as
>>> well, he was sweating like Bruce Fordyce's crack after 90km's on the up
>>> run
>>> of the Comrades).
>>>
>>> I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5
>>> cars
>>> back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid the
>>> accident that he was trying his damndest to cause. After he narrowly
>>> missed
>>> the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me, I made a stubborn
>>> little
>>> vow that he DEFINITELY wouldn't be cutting in front of me like that, and
>>> so
>>> began the fun and games. The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of
>>> intimidation, just gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd
>>> better
>>> slow down and let me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used
>>> the
>>> typical "Fack you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the
>>> other pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator,
>>> until he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran
>>> straight over him. This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling
>>> the
>>> whole way back to my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all
>>> his
>>> well acquired driving skill to the test, and adopted the smartest
>>> technique
>>> of them all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one
>>> that
>>> sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely
>>> death of one of our awesome mates, Mike Short, a year ago.
>>>
>>> This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra, with a red hot
>>> cactus
>>> lodged up its rectum. No skin off the facking taxi drivers nose, he just
>>> accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in front
>>> of
>>> me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle finger
>>> accompanied
>>> with a few swearwords, something that made me want to beat him harder
>>> than
>>> Campbell hit the boy who stabbed him repeatedly with a pen all those
>>> years
>>> ago!
>>>
>>> Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
>>> proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Nshlovo in,
>>> so
>>> the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to
>>> outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist, the
>>> emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to
>>> mark
>>> its ending. More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd
>>> passengers were all trying their damndest to "intimidate by staring"
>>> myself
>>> and the double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something
>>> that
>>> most brain-owners do when driving).
>>>
>>> I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they
>>> hit!!
>>>
>>> Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped
>>> their
>>> heads on the roof of the hi-ace in poetic unison, adding an extra 31
>>> dents
>>> to the already-facked minibus, and the two front wheels were ripped off
>>> the
>>> chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.
>>>
>>> Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic
>>> thing
>>> to witness, sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the window,
>>> was
>>> also unscathed. However, his car was more facked than that prostitute at
>>> PE
>>> harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat down-trodden. I hooted
>>> and
>>> made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super smile, as did
>>> the
>>> driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy, looked in my
>>> mirror
>>> to see every driver behind me doing exactly the same!
>>>
>>> The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
>>> happier
>>> than Hudders when he passed his board, or at least as happy!! So folks,
>>> what
>>> a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining, it's Friday,
>>> I've
>>> done my training, Long Tom Roodt is back in the country, there will be a
>>> lot
>>> of thirst quenched this weekend, and Sipho Faeces-face Nshlovo is one
>>> mini-bus short of a taxi! Now that is justice....
>>>
>
>
> --
> Annette
> )
>
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| Re: Teksiestorie - in Engels [boodskap #90456 is 'n antwoord op boodskap #90415] |
Di, 17 Februarie 2004 17:55 |
Vusi
Boodskappe: 2211
Geregistreer: Februarie 2001
Karma: 0
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Senior Lid |
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Is dit waarom jy graag saam met Afrikaners op die nuusgroep verkeer?
Besef jy hou f. onnosel jy voorkom my ou - wys jou hoe dom 'n ingelsman is.
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| Re: Teksiestorie - in Engels [boodskap #91027 is 'n antwoord op boodskap #90456] |
So, 07 Maart 2004 10:56 |
Rhino
Boodskappe: 32
Geregistreer: Januarie 2004
Karma: 0
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Volle Lid |
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Is Raider at it again. Ja jong hierdie bombevokte engelssprekende gedrog wat
probleme het met sy ma moet jy maar net ignoreer.
"Jonas" skryf in boodskap news:c0tkir$sm6$1@ctb-nnrp2.saix.net...
> Is dit waarom jy graag saam met Afrikaners op die nuusgroep verkeer?
> Besef jy hou f. onnosel jy voorkom my ou - wys jou hoe dom 'n ingelsman is.
>
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